(Original writing from June 2, 2019)
One of the biggest hurdles I’ve encountered on my journey has been learning to trust my Self. I’m even more powerful and capable than I give myself credit for, and I need to continue honoring my inner voice and light.
So many outside influences have tried to tell me who I am, what I can do, who I’m supposed to be; they place all these limitations on the full expression and progression of the very things that make me unique, that make me sacred. It’s like getting stomped out for not conforming, but I don’t want to be a part of these packs I’m confronting.
What or who am I being compliant to?
Society?
I’ve never “fit” in anywhere, and honestly, I’ve grown to find some comfort in that.
I look around and I don’t want to emulate the behaviors and lifestyles of most people. I’m not caught up in trying to impress or be accepted by anyone. I’m not going to perform just for your comfort and enjoyment.
I’ve done that. Over the years, I’ve tried to dress and act in the way people wanted to see me – and that changes depending on where you are and who you’re with; and they all have ideas on what is “right” and “wrong,” what is “too much,” and what’s “just enough.” So, when are you ever really you, and have you even lost sight of or given up on who that person is?
When we’re scared, especially when we don’t understand something (or someone), we can downplay or try to destroy the very thing that we need to be – free.
My idea of free may not be how you define or determine it, and that’s okay with me – as long as it’s not harming anyone in the process.
I feel like, all of these external forces that try to control, essentially, my life path, they don’t really give a damn about me, and definitely not as a whole person. This system could care less what happens to me, as long as it can get what it wants in the manner it wants it in.
I’ve had many experiences and been in many types of relationships where I gave up control, it was taken, or I didn’t really have it to begin with. I don’t want to continue a cycle of trying to control another individual – I want to learn them, to understand them deeply, and to nurture them into the greatness they already are. That’s my only M.O.
I have to remember not everyone thinks like me, so I continuously have to be mindful to remove an expectation that that sentiment would be reciprocated.
I’ve accepted that I’ll never “fit,” but I can definitely vibe out and share some energy. My vibe is not for everyone, but one thing I’ve observed is that all you can be and offer to the world is who you are. I’ll continue to grow and find the people and spaces that vibe with me – I’m not concerned with trying to make something work and it just doesn’t. No journey is linear – I’m going to make mistakes, that ends up being the fun part, because you learn – perfection doesn’t exist, that’s why you always grow, you’re ALWAYS a student and evolving. It NEVER stops.
As a Black woman navigating this society, there’s this pressure to be perfect; to be the “strong” one, to work twice as hard for half as much, to be devalued and disrespected no matter what you bring to the table; we’re not afforded innocence, innerstanding, or individuality. I’ve tried to just hang in there or accept trying to be perfect in imperfect conditions. It’s impossible. The stress that has caused me is not worth it; it’s not worth my soul purpose being compromised, nor sacrificing the divinity of my identity to appease constructions that were not created with me in mind. I will stand in my imperfection until the day I die, and I want to learn until my last breath.
The funny thing always is, these people and systems that vibrate on a lower frequency will never be the ones to give or guide me to the resources that lead to my definition of true success.
To interact with an environment or person that is in that position, you have to lower your own vibration to match it, or there becomes an internal conflict – deciding whether to stay up or come down to that lower vibration. These systems, and the individuals that are placed in dominant positions can only reassert this constructed idea of power.
If I trust that my power lies within me, the game becomes fictitious. I trust myself in knowing I don’t want to play these games because it goes against the very nature of being authentic. Currently, in my journey, I have been intentional about being honest with myself about who I am, where I am going, what I want to do, what environments I want to be in… I can’t be attached; I have to be unbothered with (unconstructive) criticism, and I have to get out of my own damn way and just let my soul speak!
I trust that if it’s a sense of freedom that I’m seeking, no matter how naïve I sometimes feel about it, if I honor my Self – past, present and future versions – I will continue to stand more in alignment with my purpose.
I trust that my purpose is not to be who anyone else wants me to be, it’s to figure out and become who I’m meant to be – and only I know that answer.