Tedx Talk: “Leading Your Life” by Skukura Woods, 2018
“The prompt that was given to me, why we’re all here today, is because we want to explore the idea of “Questioning the Impossible.” And for me, reflecting on my own identity, I determined that I would define my seemingly impossible as being able to stand here, in all my melanted magic, as a Black woman, and be able to live a full, passionate life and self-actualize; transcending the influence of –isms on my livelihood. Ya’ll know what I’m talking about; the racism, classism, ageism, elitism, sexism, that can weigh down on our spirit and paralyze our purest possibilities. It is radical to care for and love yourself unconditionally; to stand in your essence and truth and live an intentional life free from the constraints of fears, attachments, assumptions and expectations.
I stand here before you, and you see me and you judge me – it’s natural. But this is nothing but a surface, a shell that encapsulates who I am. I didn’t always know – I had this sliver of intuition that guided me, but I never really thought about or understood my soul until I started my journey.
8 days before my 19th birthday, I was by my mother’s hospital bed, holding her hand and telling her, “It’s okay, you do what you gotta do.” She was 46 when she passed. She had been sedated and I was not able to talk to her for the last 3 weeks of her life. Change that I could have never imagined, happened. I’ve had my fair share of trauma, from sexual assaults, hyper-sexualization and various forms of abuse, to feelings of abandonment and low self-esteem and suicidal thoughts that began at a young age. But losing my mother suddenly, that was hard. And after months of numbness and depression, my impossible became simply living my life. I could no longer look back at things I couldn’t control and had to have compassion for myself and the mindset I was in when things happened that I didn’t like. Self-forgiveness. That was then, this… this is now.
At first, it was about becoming the woman I felt I could be to make my mom proud. But now, I do this for me because I have faith that, at the end of the day, I’ve got ME. I have faith that within me, I can find some much needed guidance, sometimes I just need to quiet my mind. Learning to meditate in various ways assisted that.
I had to define what I wanted to feel – I call this your core. My core includes: secure, creative, passionate, energized, at peace, observant and loving. I had to analyze what that looks like for me. Let’s take love, for instance. My mother was the greatest love of my life and she was not physically here. It taught me that all things are temporary. I learned non-attachment, but I also learned how to fill that void without relying on anyone else. Yes, as humans we need connection, but I no longer grasped for that external gratification. I no longer had to cope, that’s barely surviving. And my impossible called for me to thrive, not just get by.
My love is rooted in admiration – so even to love my complexion in a world that dehumanizes or fetishizes me because of it, I had to educate myself and consistently provide myself with representations of people of color that helped me value this beautifully intense hue. I had to love my curvaceous body, not as an object, but as a work of art. I spoke to myself kindly, interrupting low vibrational thoughts. I became more mindful of what I put into my body and wanted it to be strong.
When I made peace with my whole Self and developed an assuredness of who I am, I began to make change in the environment around me. I began living with intention. I know what makes me feel good or elicits happiness so I will only put time, money and energy into those things and experiences. I am highly protective of my space, and everything from my clothes to my home décor, my career path, in some way, is a carefully displayed extension of me. I am ok letting go and saying no to things or people that I do not vibe with.
As I am healing and promoting and creating health through my physiological (mind), emotional (body) and spiritual (soul) responses to stimuli around me, my relationships with others changed. I became mindful and could recognize when my energy or that around me is not reflective of my core, so I have to put in work to transform. I learned to name my emotions. What is hurt and anger? Am I disappointed, afraid… When I could process and understand my range of emotions, I could recognize it in others.
My impossible reminds me of a song from a church I used to go to growing up; it says, “I love myself so much, that I can love you so much, that you can love you so much, so you can start loving me.” There are no concrete guidelines or roadmaps or timeline. I just became so determined to create the life that I wanted for myself simply because I didn’t want to stay comfortable with my discomfort. You can’t escape, but you cannot allow it to have the power to dictate YOUR life.
Through this journey of understanding and creating boundaries and developing methods of self-care, I was able to create a better sense that my basic and psychological needs are met, which allows me the ability to work on true fulfillment.
So as we look at qualities of a leader such as integrity and fairness (be honest and compassionate to yourself), set clear goals, have high expectations (trust and believe that you deserve the greatest outcomes), encourage others (provide a brave space for others to evolve, too), provides support and recognition (be mindful of when you need to intervene in your own life but find things to be genuinely thankful for and acknowledge the positive), stirs the emotions of people (challenge yourself to deeply reflect), look beyond their self-interest (remove ego), inspire people to reach for the improbable (mentor).
This is a tiny glimpse into the multitude of conversations that we can delve into, but when we’re thinking about leadership development, I feel it’s imperative to be able to consciously and positively lead your own life before you take on the responsibility of someone else.
It’s hard to articulate what it can feel like to be a young Black woman in a society that erases your humanity and voice. But my life is a blank canvas and I’m the artist of it. And I paint boldly and confidently and with nurture and attention to detail. I will be my own masterpiece.”