I’m alone, but I’m not lonely. Constantly evolving; and, trying to get to know me. Those words are within the first few lines of one of my favorite songs, “Confidently Lost,” by Sabrina Claudio. It’s a beautiful song about finding your way through life and embracing the journey unabashedly – leaving things behind for new experiences. The lyrics continue, “Made up of hope and meditation, love, imagination; water my creations. All the days I’m facing, nothing seems to phase me because I am confidently lost.”
One can often hear me refer to “my journey,” and truly what that is is shedding the material (3D) world, the fears and doubts, stubbornness, attachments, etc. and journeying to uncover the true Self – the love, authenticity, inner peace, courage, empathy – the most genuine expression of our divine being. The journey is rediscovering who we are – our very own unique imprint in this lifetime, and developing aligned intention and action towards balance and fulfillment. The journey is about healing from bitterness, anger, bewilderment, prejudice, shame, control, disappointment, regret; clearing karmic cycles, and being able to manifest through a wide-open heart chakra. It’s about finding gratitude for the lessons along the way, and for the emergence of new beginnings amidst transformation. I have found much strength and growth in the days where I was left alone.
My Preface
Contrary to popular belief, I am not at all an extrovert – I honestly don’t like people, in general, like that. I have lots of love for others, but I generally am not amused by antics of this “life,” and the disconnection from the miraculous. There are very few people that I connect with to the point where it energizes my soul; where we connect physically, mentally and emotionally. I hold those people closely, to the best of my ability, and love them purely and unconditionally with all that I can give. I’ve always had one or two close friends, a couple good friends, and a lot of acquaintances. I don’t like attention and find my higher Self to be more reserved. I prefer the back corner of a smaller room, to observe. Of the 16 personality types, I fall under the category of INFJ. Just the other week, my sister was in disbelief and perplexed at the fact that I don’t hang out with people. I work and mind my business. I gather with friends maybe once a month, but I don’t feel like I’m really missing out on anything. I’m just chillin’, been chillin’ and will continue to chill until I feel like peaking my head out and being social.
Naturally, I am quiet. I am the type to geek out over the idea of a silent retreat – which is still on my to-do list. My childhood friend once told me that her family initially thought that I was mute because I didn’t really speak; relatives have said I didn’t really talk to anyone besides my mom when I was young; I can spend days without opening my mouth to communicate; I’ve fought many silent battles. I retreat to my Self because that is my happy place, my safe space; and, I need it because I know I’m very sensitive. I am comfortable all alone; with not even a pet, which oftentimes serves as emotional support to, and an attachment for people. Some people may find my tendency to go into hermit mode as odd, and people sometimes call me mysterious (which I get a chuckle out of); but, I think it is such a fun, productive space for me.
As a human being, yes, I want connection, but I do understand that that doesn’t mean someone has to physically be with me; it doesn’t mean that I am alone or lonely if someone isn’t next to me. On the day that my mom passed away, I stood beside her hospital bed, holding her hand and telling her, “You do what you have to do; I will be okay. I love you and I know you love me. Do what you have to do.” In the moment, saying those words, I had to believe them, without doubt. I will be okay, and it was okay that she transitioned; I knew that I still had to live. But how?
No one in this entire world could ever mean to me what my mom did, and she won’t be there and hasn’t been physically here for so many milestones in my adulthood, but that doesn’t mean she is not with me. In my belief system, I know that my mother can better protect me now in the spiritual realm than she could physically. I can still feel her embrace and see her face when I visit her in my meditations. I feel her energy around me, very strongly at times. I pour libations to her and all those who came before me; I call to them when I need assistance, and honor their legacy by transcending my traumas and thriving in my greatness. My mama’s not going to let anyone negatively touch her baby, she will return that energy to the sender!
In my aloneness, I find clarity. Energy is contagious and if you’re aware enough, you can notice how others’ words and thoughts, the environment, can influence you. People can speak fear, doubt and victim consciousness into your sphere; or, they can inspire, uplift and heal. Actions can be thoughtful, sincere and heart-centered; or, they can be manipulative, selfish and dishonorable. Both sides coexist in the world and also within us. Regularly, it crosses my mind that choice is a factor that separates us, the way we use our free will. When you know or seek better, you do better, they say… or, you don’t. It’s really mostly subjective at the end of the day what that “better” looks and feels like for someone. Some find joy in being vindictive or revengeful, or content in lack-mentality and people-pleasing; and, therefore, surrender to malevolent energy and self-sabotage. Some may fight against those forces, learning the names of those “enemies,” and becoming a beacon of balance amongst the turmoil, surrendering to the light rather than being blinded by it.
A Glimpse into 2020
Having alone time allows me to not be influenced by external elements; I turn within, listen to and trust my Self and only my Self. I submit to the universe, first, and oblige to what it asks of me. I get out of my own way. Yes, there was a time I needed some guidance, I was a little lost out here, but no one knows me better than I know myself, or what’s best for me without my input. No one can ultimately alter the trajectory of my path because I’m strong enough to sacrifice and redirect myself towards my truth. At the beginning of the pandemic, someone had called and had a frantic energy to their tone and long story short, by the end of the call I was about to figure out how to pack my bags and go “be safe,” somewhere else because, I guess the thought was, I’d have others around me. That night I paused, first because frantic/fear-based energy is not a high vibration so I had to reflect on what the fear actually was. I declined because my rationale was like, “How long is this stay? Would you want to come back and forth? And most importantly, if you end up having to stay inside with those people for an extended period of time would you want that?” And I whole-heartedly said “No, no and heck no. I am safe, capable, and have people closer that I would want to turn to if I needed assistance.” Plus, I thought of what was in front of me and what needed to be taken care of, and I’d have to uproot my personal space – and for what? Most importantly, I was not alone and comfortable in my home. Similarly, when I was looking for a post-grad job, someone enthusiastically offered me their position (which they were leaving), and I accidentally blurted out, “Why would I want that?!” Not to be rude, but an emotional, lack-driven mindset would have led me to believe any option is a good option and out of desperation, to jump at the apparent opportunity. However, my response was driven by my clarity on what direction I wanted to take my career in, in a fulfilling way – the option presented to me didn’t align, and hadn’t aligned with me for several years at that time, and I thought everybody knew that. Secondly, the location also seemed like an environment that would’ve been a step back from where I was headed. Third, I had patience and such strong faith that what I desired would work its way towards me if I kept up my end of the journey. I can’t even lie, I was slightly taken aback by the offer because I felt I would be led away from my growth and dreams, and face obstacles. I declined. I know my Self – who I am – and the more confidence I gained, the less I could be swayed by others’ motives and opinions. I see my own path very clearly, even if something outside of myself tries to muddy it.
Aloneness lets me, over time, clear my energy – to retreat, have a little death and be reborn into a new era of my existence; a brighter, more matured, more authentic version of my Self. I was in connections, on various levels, where I’d known people were playing in my face; there were lies, gossip, hidden agendas, secrecy, confusion, deceit, blame; situations where I’d felt taken advantage of and questioned my value, completely drained from loving and forgiving and minimizing my hurt to comfort others. What was interesting was that in my solitude, I could see the reflection of where I, myself, needed to evolve to release patterns I’d allowed, patterns that never really resonated, but that I tolerated, not just in others, but most importantly in myself. I got to a point in my growth where I began to pause and really examine everything in my life, noticing cycles – wanting to break free from them. I began requiring honesty and integrity because it’s my most important value that I live by. I had to be able to trust those closest to me, to have mutual vulnerability with those that I chose to let my guard down with, and to get honest with myself about my commitment to what I was doing and where I was going in my life. I knew, for years, certain relationships weren’t reciprocal, but I know part of me didn’t want to believe or acknowledge certain behaviors that didn’t sit right within me. I had to step up from being fully in my emotionality and equalize my rationality. I know that I can have love for someone but love them from afar. Unconditional love does not equal unconditional access.
We don’t all grow up seeing real examples of healthy relationships, and I’ve kissed a lot of frogs in my quest to grasp the concept of loving connections. Love is not supposed to hurt. It’s not supposed to hinder or want to change you; it’s not scary. Love has no end game, because it’s not a game. Aloneness teaches how to love your Self, embrace your quirks and recognize your self-worth. Last year, I was able to more deeply embody the incredible woman I knew my Self to be, and within the balance that was discovered during quarantine, I could assess what or who was contributing to imbalances. If someone doesn’t perceive or recognize my value, that’s not my job to defend or prove myself. I don’t have to beg for someone to share in and receive what I am giving – I can keep walking if you’re not ready to go. After witnessing the beauty that manifested from balancing my masculine and feminine energies, I’ll be darned if I allow something to tip me. Some things are intolerable to me that I do not view as acts of pure love or respect, and I don’t have to subject myself to holding on to them by digging up some reasoning to stay. It was unnecessarily dizzying. When I stepped outside the cycle and simply looked at it, I took my power back to re-evaluate and decide whether or not I want to jump back on or not. I want to be clear, it was not a judgement in the sense of this is “right” or “wrong,” because we have our own life to live that I don’t have control over, but I could weigh whether or not that was something for me to personally invest in, that I felt good about. I don’t feel good about things that are not trustworthy, and I want strong foundations of trust so that I can co-create upon sturdy ground. My spirit was literally too tired to try to rebuild, in most situations. My efforts, focus and invested energy turned to my Self and whatever newness sprouted from the seeds I’d planted.
Loving myself allowed me to more easily walk away from things that were not serving my highest good. I learned my lessons; there was nothing to keep repeating. In loving to be alone, I judge myself less because I more fully embrace my entire being. I continue to love because I am love and it is my pleasure to give it, but not at the expense of my peace and balance. Now that I see what it could be, I owe it to my Self to maintain it. No one is perfect, I’m far from it, but being alone has allowed me to really see what my “deal-breakers” are, to gain independence in my thought, in my existence, and have greater responsibility for the influences of my day-to-day life.