Even in your darkest moments, when it seems you are surrounded and suffocating from obligations, doubts, disorder – even if it is only a flicker of light in the distance, you must hold your focus on that glimmer of hope.
For me, a part of my hope is that which I have envisioned for myself – my why and who (I am to become); the seed planted in me that I continue to try to water and allow to bloom. The one thing that gives me hope, that nudges me to keep going or to attempt life in a different way is a belief in my purpose, and what I know I am promised if I remain devoted to this inner knowing. The existentialist in me is a firm believer that every person has some kind of why that can be discovered or uncovered.
I believe “why?” is a very important question to ask and utilize in life. Maybe it’s the child-like nature of me that I haven’t quite shed yet, or maybe it’s the emotional resurgence of excitement, when I’m genuinely curious about something, that stems from my fascination as a kid with the book, The Big Book of Tell Me Why? For me, understanding a why gives great insight to motivation and reasoning. I think one of the reasons why why is sometimes frowned upon is because – let’s be honest, most times we’re doing things because that’s how we think/was told it’s supposed to be done or we’re committed to following through on a rash decision, or we pretend we didn’t (intuitively) know better, or we’re people-pleasing through a false sense of obligation, or some other (truly) unjustifiable excuse when it’s all said and done.
Even in the workplace, I ask myself and staff, what is your why – your why for wanting to be employed here? for getting up and doing this work every day? …If this is our goal, why are we suggesting to include “x” activity? Trust me, things will flow when they are truly in alignment. I don’t always need super detailed explanations, but make it make sense – make it meaningful, or we’re wasting everybody’s time.
Why does kind of coerce someone to explain themselves further, rather than allowing them to have some sense of authority or place on the top of a power dynamic whereas others just have to accept whatever crumb of information, or love, or whatever it is that’s haphazardly tossed in their direction. I honestly think that people who don’t like to answer the question why have fragile egos… But anyway, we also have to hold ourselves accountable for participating in the suffering and conflict inflicted in our lives; to stop projecting onto others and stand in the mirror to face ourselves when we find ourselves in imbalanced situations.
Ask yourself:
What have I chosen to continue doing/feeling, and to be allowed in my life? And why?
Why am I lacking the courage and confidence to only accept the greatness that I deserve, and to remove myself from any energetic attachment (internally or externally) that devalues me in any way?
None of those answers have anything to do with anyone else, at the core of it… So, it is time to re-evaluate our own boundaries and reclaim and realign our Self, our mission, our purpose; to move consciously forward, from a heart-centered space… Not from a place of fear or lack.
When we don’t ask the why questions, we step away from critical thinking. Truly facing a situation requires us to look at, what’s sometimes an ugly truth – oftentimes, truths about ourselves. We have to face the shadows of our unhealed wounds; and, rub some shea butter on those scars! Critical thinking is kind of like that balance between logic/reason and intuition/emotions; not allowing either to overwhelm the other. It is acknowledging your feelings towards someone/something – which are real – but also taking into consideration what is truly for your absolute highest good and having the wise discernment regarding what to accept or release in love.
I think about this trauma-informed model I’m becoming familiar with that urges to ask, “What happened?” instead of “What’s wrong (with you)?” I feel that what’s wrong puts blame on the individual’s strong emotional response and takes the initial reaction for face-value; when, in fact, there are events or series of events (that may not even have been directly related) that triggered a response from an unhealed or closed off place within said individual. It’s like looking at the surface emotion of anger, and not realizing there is an iceberg of a story behind how we got “here.” Most importantly, we must understand our own story and not just idly keep cyclically chasing our familiar pain and storylines.
In school, on tests, I used to love when the essay prompt included the question, why. My rationale was, even if I got it “wrong,” I could detail my thought process so I could better determine where I was “off” and be able to learn and correct myself in the future. It’s easy to regurgitate a small fact or some fancy words, or throw out a “bright idea,” but that doesn’t mean you know how to make sense of the information, how to apply it, or if it’s a productive and strategic move (towards “the answer”).
Explain Yo’Self!
Where there is a lack of transparency, there lies deceit and untrustworthiness. My highest valued principle is honesty. There was a period of my recent life where, as I continued to grow and stand firmer in my truth, I had to look at things that seemed a bit “off” – well, things I already knew were “off” but chose to continue to ignore. However, it was time for me to hold myself accountable for cultivating the type of relationships I wanted to truly nurture in my life. I don’t want to change people – I can’t – so one thing I had to learn to accept about others was how they CHOSE/CHOOSE to move; which, of course, eventually clearly came into conflict with how I needed and wanted to, and was moving. Remember, I look at how someone maneuvers to give clues about motivations – are they pure (not perfect), or riddled with low-vibrational intentions and energy?
It was disheartening at times, from my perspective, to finesse myself into trying to smile and laugh and build intimacy when there were obviously multiple, huge elephants in the room, and it was apparent they weren’t going to be addressed with total openness. Still, the words unsaid make the loudest sound…
Surely, the towers fell because they weren’t built on the foundation of morals and characteristics of what a fulfilling and uplifting relationship looks like to me, at the heart of it. When I forced myself to step back and become the observer, I had to let them fall; the burden of trying to hold them up wasn’t worth it to me, in the grander scheme of things. It cost me too much – too much peace of mind, joy and balance. If you are cool with your actions – do you, but I had to give myself permission to disentangle myself and do me, too, if the situation was not supporting what I felt to be positive movement forward. I had found myself stagnant, in some ways
During my initial stages of pain, I spent time asking, “Why would you…” but at the end of the day, it’s already done and I needed the courage to also make my own, independent choices, because I had to do what was necessary to maintain my well-being, my happiness so that I could forge onward in a way, and attract things that wholesomely honored my why, my purpose.
One of the biggest questions I asked myself in this past year, and sought to understand within my personal life was, “Why would I plead with someone to see my worth and beg them to move in a way that shows me that they value me, IF I, indeed, have affirmed for myself that I am a gift?” Within that answer, I would find what I decided to heal…