My younger sister asked me an interesting question recently, as I was discussing my weight loss.
“Were you happy when you were bigger?”
I really had to think about that question. I remember when I first started my healthier, physical journey I would catch myself thinking and saying, “I’ve got ‘me’ back.” Yet, present-day is an evolved individual, so who was the “me” I’d refer to?
Growing up, my parents made sure we were active – going to the park, 6am walks with my mom at Kenneth Hahn, being involved with the L.A Jets track team, a competitive dance team and gym classes. The only time I wasn’t involved in something, around 7th grade, I got a little chubby – my mom lovingly teasing my jolly smile and robust cheeks in my school picture. There was definitely a time I know I used food for comfort. Had a bad day? Let’s stop at Jack n’ the Box for an oreo cookie shake. Retail therapy was also a habit that was supported throughout my childhood.
2010
Yet, my weight was never really an issue – my body shape and development of supple, DD breasts by 13, now that was definitely a problem. I was pushing an H-cup by senior year of high school, but my frame was still small – I’d fluctuate between 153 and 157 pounds. Gratefully, when it was time to prom dress shop, I had expressed to my mom that I wouldn’t be able to find anything for me and wasn’t looking forward to it; so, she surprised me with going to a seamstress who custom-made a dress that I had sketched and designed, and it fit like a glove. I cried in anger and frustration one time trying to shop for a good bra, before I found a specialty store an hour away where I could purchase one, basic t-shirt bra for about $80. At some point, it was a little difficult to express my inner fashionista; coupled with the hyper-sexualization I faced, jeans and tees became my go-to for a while – even though it was like men had x-ray vision. I was never able to share/swap clothes with friends, spaghetti straps were a no-go, but I always made it work.
It’s weird, because my body was just that – my body, and as it grew, I never truly recognized what others saw. It wasn’t until I lost weight and looked at old pictures that I remembered exclaiming, “Why didn’t anyone tell me I looked like that?!” At every point of my weight journey, I was always comfortable in my skin; and, even at my heaviest, I was confident and loved all my curves and rolls.
Now, emotionally, was I happy? I had moments that made me happy, but I wasn’t healed; and, in fact, was still experiencing a lot of recurrent trauma. My weight never really became an issue for me until summer of 2014 when I was having a lot of shoulder pain from my 34HH breasts. At that time, I was tipping the scale at about 186 pounds.
2013-2014
Losing the weight, for me, in regards to a reclamation of my Self, was because of the reason behind my weight gain. I ballooned from the 150s to 180s in a span of 3 months in 2011. When my mom passed in September of that year, I look back now and can see how depressed I was. I didn’t have any emotional support because everyone around me has a habit of just pushing things down and doing their best to go on about their life. I would go to my class, come home, cry and eat. I don’t even know if anyone really noticed. I was just growing and needed bigger clothes…? I went from a medium (size 6) to an XL (size 10), which, at the time, was actually a hard size for me to shop for – I could barely fit XL (hello stretchy fabrics!) but was still too small to wear plus-sized.
In my mind, my weight was just a reminder of the reason why I gained it. I went to sleep one person, one size, and literally woke up 3 months later and was another manifestation of my Self. That was my new life, who I was – the young girl with the dead mother trying her best to figure out her life.
There’s a relationship between stress levels and weight, and an even greater connection when you include race/ethnicity as a factor. According to this article from 2015, the author included the definition of stress as “…an organism’s total response to environmental demands or pressures. In humans, it results from interactions between persons and their environment that are perceived as straining or exceeding their adaptive capacities and threatening their well-being. Risk factors for stress-related illness are a mix of personal, interpersonal and social; including lack or loss of control over one’s physical environments, or lack or loss of social support networks.”
After I finished my undergrad degree, I was ready to begin creating the life that I wanted for myself, and the first step to my healing was to lose weight and get rid of the bodily pain I was experiencing. I wanted to run again; to move the way I wanted. In December of 2014, Dr. Michael K. Obeng performed my breast reduction surgery.
When my healing was over, I remember my first time going to the park and walking along a dirt trail. It was springtime, in the early afternoon. There was no one in sight, just a bunch of butterflies. I found myself walking a little faster, and faster. “Let me see if I can jog,” I thought to myself. Next thing I know, I was running up and down the little hills of the trail, the gentle ocean breeze whooshing across my cheeks. A huge smile came across my face. I felt so free.
My next step in healing led me to return to my spirituality. I was eating well – taking out everything that didn’t make me feel good such as sodas, gluten, and dairy. I would take my dog to the park a couple times a week and go for long walks. I didn’t look at the scale, and I’ve never had some target weight, it was really just about being mindful about how I felt – did I have energy? Could I run if I wanted to run? Is my posture upright? If I’m dancing around the house and want to kick up my leg, does it raise? Can I walk up the stairs without being winded? Those are the things that motivate my fitness journey. I’m not in a rush; there’s not a target date.
Over about 3 years, I had lost significant weight. I remember the last time I was in Los Angeles, an Uber driver picked me up and the first thing he said was, “Wow, you have such a pretty face, and you’re skinny!” There was a lot to unpack with that interculturally and socioeconomically. And I had just gotten small, but now I want to be strong as well. I want to be able to lift myself up, or have a strong core because those muscles are so important for the support of your entire body; so, I’ve incorporated strength training into my routine.
Over the years, I’ve healed and evolved – found joy, peace, security and so much more in my life, that I am happy. My weight was a result of my emotions and environment, not the other way around. However, did the weight impact how I was able to navigate different spaces and the treatment I received – oh yeah, most definitely. We’ll get to pretty privilege, sizeism, and colorism over time; so, stay tuned!
